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| Proudly showing off the fruits of my labor. |
Ok, that's enough with the travel letters. We made it home safe and sound, and US Customs took away our jamón. It was sad; we had purchased $50 worth of tasty, Spanish jamón. But...it could have been infested with hoof and mouth disease, and we wouldn't want that. It got tossed into an incineration bin, along with somebody's rotten banana.
On to important things! I have a love/hate relationship with caffeine. When I was a young and naive undergraduate chemistry major, I began working in a research lab. I was constantly surrounded by jaded grad students and a crazy, substance-abusing French post-doc (if alcohol and cigarettes are to be considered substances). Every day at 3:30 pm, the lab trudged over to the coffee cart. I always went, but I realized there was a problem: I didn't drink caffeine. I have the metabolism of a raging 13-year-old boy, but in the body of a very petite lady...I am overly sensitive to anything that can be ingested: medicine, sugar, caffeine, etc. A can of soda would normally result in my heart beating so fast that I thought I might be dying for sure, and then I wouldn't sleep for two days. It was what I imagined taking crack cocaine would be like.
In order to belong to the bonding moment that was coffee cart time, I would quietly order hot chocolate or a decaf latte and play along. Eventually it was discovered that I didn't actually drink caffeine ever, and this became a subject of great concern and frivolity for the grad students.
"How do you stay awake ALL DAY?!?!"
"How will you survive in grad school?"
"How do you pull all-nighters??"
I politely informed them that I didn't need caffeine, and that I was naturally high on life. I was a very efficient, homework-loving student, and had never had the need to pull an all-nighter with the other plebeians. They laughed at me and assured me that this would all change in grad school. They thought they knew better. I thought they were wrong.
So, I decided that getting a Ph.D. in chemistry would be a great idea. I'm going to change the world! I'm so smart!
This was fine, until about half way through my second year of the five year program. At this point in time, you had to prove that you were worthy of a Ph.D. by going through second year oral exams. Apparently getting a Ph.D. in chemistry is hard. This exam was built up to be one of the most terrifying experiences of my academic life. I quickly learned that I could not stay awake all day like I had in my youth two years previous. I needed a crutch: Wild Cherry Pepsi. There was a vending machine in my lab building, which I visited once a day to imbibe in some sweet cherry-flavored satisfaction. Eventually it became twice a day. One day I caught the creepy Pepsi delivery man refilling the machines, and was scared at how excited I was when he offered me a free Wild Cherry Pepsi, while using a voice that I can only imagine is normally reserved for enticing children into a molester van with candy. Only it was not a molester van and children, it was a Pepsi delivery truck and a chemistry Ph.D. student.
I decided that these vending machine visits were not financially viable (and possibly going to result in a kidnapping), so I purchased myself a twelve-pack of cans. This was a bad idea, because now that cherry elixir was within arms' reach all day long. The satisfaction of drinking this much soda was enhanced by the fact that I could collect points for every soda I drank. I eventually collected so many points that I received a free Pepsi challenge vintage shirt...which I'm actually wearing as I type this, which was actually just a coincidence.
As the date of the exam drew closer, my crippling addiction to Wild Cherry Pepsi began affecting other areas of my dietary life. I stopped cooking for myself, and went on a binge Lean Cuisine purchasing spree. For breakfast, every day for about two months, I ate a cup of Yoplait yogurt, a small bag of dark chocolate M&M's, and a can of Wild Cherry Pepsi. The small bag of M&M's soon turned into a large bag, and it soon became more than just for breakfast. This dietary nonsense was punctuated by sporadic Lean Cuisine inhalations. Luckily, this only lasted for two months, because I'm pretty sure my stomach almost dissolved as a result.
Anyway, I eventually weaned myself off of Wild Cherry Pepsi and dark chocolate M&M's, but it took about two years.
Since then, I've discovered better ways to ravage my intestinal tract, like coffee and tea! Mostly tea. LOTS OF TEA. Oh god... I usually binge on caffeine for a couple of months, and then get all high and mighty and decide that I can indeed quit caffeine if I want. So I do, and sometimes I feel hasty and I end up with caffeine headaches which I refuse to treat because I'm tougher than suffering. Then I start to get tired again and I go, "I'll just have one cup of tea today." Before I know it, I'm falling prey to that devilish cup of tasty satisfaction with the regularity of a heroine addict. Excellent.
On to important things! I have a love/hate relationship with caffeine. When I was a young and naive undergraduate chemistry major, I began working in a research lab. I was constantly surrounded by jaded grad students and a crazy, substance-abusing French post-doc (if alcohol and cigarettes are to be considered substances). Every day at 3:30 pm, the lab trudged over to the coffee cart. I always went, but I realized there was a problem: I didn't drink caffeine. I have the metabolism of a raging 13-year-old boy, but in the body of a very petite lady...I am overly sensitive to anything that can be ingested: medicine, sugar, caffeine, etc. A can of soda would normally result in my heart beating so fast that I thought I might be dying for sure, and then I wouldn't sleep for two days. It was what I imagined taking crack cocaine would be like.
In order to belong to the bonding moment that was coffee cart time, I would quietly order hot chocolate or a decaf latte and play along. Eventually it was discovered that I didn't actually drink caffeine ever, and this became a subject of great concern and frivolity for the grad students.
"How do you stay awake ALL DAY?!?!"
"How will you survive in grad school?"
"How do you pull all-nighters??"
I politely informed them that I didn't need caffeine, and that I was naturally high on life. I was a very efficient, homework-loving student, and had never had the need to pull an all-nighter with the other plebeians. They laughed at me and assured me that this would all change in grad school. They thought they knew better. I thought they were wrong.
So, I decided that getting a Ph.D. in chemistry would be a great idea. I'm going to change the world! I'm so smart!
This was fine, until about half way through my second year of the five year program. At this point in time, you had to prove that you were worthy of a Ph.D. by going through second year oral exams. Apparently getting a Ph.D. in chemistry is hard. This exam was built up to be one of the most terrifying experiences of my academic life. I quickly learned that I could not stay awake all day like I had in my youth two years previous. I needed a crutch: Wild Cherry Pepsi. There was a vending machine in my lab building, which I visited once a day to imbibe in some sweet cherry-flavored satisfaction. Eventually it became twice a day. One day I caught the creepy Pepsi delivery man refilling the machines, and was scared at how excited I was when he offered me a free Wild Cherry Pepsi, while using a voice that I can only imagine is normally reserved for enticing children into a molester van with candy. Only it was not a molester van and children, it was a Pepsi delivery truck and a chemistry Ph.D. student.
I decided that these vending machine visits were not financially viable (and possibly going to result in a kidnapping), so I purchased myself a twelve-pack of cans. This was a bad idea, because now that cherry elixir was within arms' reach all day long. The satisfaction of drinking this much soda was enhanced by the fact that I could collect points for every soda I drank. I eventually collected so many points that I received a free Pepsi challenge vintage shirt...which I'm actually wearing as I type this, which was actually just a coincidence.
As the date of the exam drew closer, my crippling addiction to Wild Cherry Pepsi began affecting other areas of my dietary life. I stopped cooking for myself, and went on a binge Lean Cuisine purchasing spree. For breakfast, every day for about two months, I ate a cup of Yoplait yogurt, a small bag of dark chocolate M&M's, and a can of Wild Cherry Pepsi. The small bag of M&M's soon turned into a large bag, and it soon became more than just for breakfast. This dietary nonsense was punctuated by sporadic Lean Cuisine inhalations. Luckily, this only lasted for two months, because I'm pretty sure my stomach almost dissolved as a result.
Anyway, I eventually weaned myself off of Wild Cherry Pepsi and dark chocolate M&M's, but it took about two years.
Since then, I've discovered better ways to ravage my intestinal tract, like coffee and tea! Mostly tea. LOTS OF TEA. Oh god... I usually binge on caffeine for a couple of months, and then get all high and mighty and decide that I can indeed quit caffeine if I want. So I do, and sometimes I feel hasty and I end up with caffeine headaches which I refuse to treat because I'm tougher than suffering. Then I start to get tired again and I go, "I'll just have one cup of tea today." Before I know it, I'm falling prey to that devilish cup of tasty satisfaction with the regularity of a heroine addict. Excellent.
Ahh yes, the great Pepsi binge of '08. It all seems so clear now. If only we would have seen it coming...
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